We left Jackson on Tuesday on a mission. We had to get back home so I could make it to my post-op appointment. I wanted to reschedule the appointment so we could stay with Gray longer but I was still badly bruised and swollen and in pain and I needed to be checked to make sure I was healing properly.
As we arrived back to town tension was high and both our fuses were short. It had been a long day, a long drive, and I'll say it again... having to leave your child sucks. When I was pregnant Shedrick came to EVERY SINGLE doctor's appointment. But, we had never gone to the doctor from the direction we were coming. We wound up on the way wrong side of town, nowhere near the doctor's office. I'll admit, I'm a terrible navigator, even with a GPS. My brain just doesn't do driving from a map. And my brain on lots of meds REALLY doesn't do it.
We eventually found our way to the clinic and signed in and sat down to wait. The waiting room was full. Full of people complaining about their pregnancies. Complaining loudly. I lost it. I wanted to explode. I wanted to scream at them, "At least your still pregnant! And healthy! And the baby is healthy!" I started to cry... again. At that point, I wished it was possible to run out of tears.
"You OK?" Shedrick asked.
"I'll be fine." I said.
And then I remebered my saying... be brave... be strong. I kept saying it to myself. I took deep breathes and reminded myself that it would be OK.
"Emma?" Said a voice from behind the door.
Finally! It was my turn be seen.
We made a quick stop to get my blood pressure, which was still too high, and then we followed the nurse back to the exam room.
I carefully climbed up on to the exam table and Shedrick sat in the chair next to me. And we waited.
"I'm not going to look." Shedrick said.
"It's OK... you don't have to." I told him.
After a little while, my doctor came in.
"How's my Emma today?" He asked as he shook Shedrick's hand and gave me a hug.
"OK." I said.
"And, our special little boy?"
"He's doing pretty good." I replied as I showed him a picture on my phone.
"Good. You guys gave us all a scare." He said
"Yes, they did." Shedrick chimed in.
"Let's take a peek." My doctor said.
"It hurts a lot." I told him.
"You don't have to be in pain." He said. "Let me write you a prescripption for some more pain meds. You're incision is healling nicely but I'm sorry to see all this bruising. You can use a heating pad to help that as well as your pain. And keep taking the blood pressure medication. Do you have any other questipons?"
I had several. Here's what I asked and the answers I was given:
Q1. Why did this happen? I had asked this before. I don't know if I felt the need to ask again because I was hoping for a different or bettter answer, but I asked.
A1. Unknown. I was not the norm other than this was my first pregnancy.
Q2. I want to have more kids, will this happen again?
A2. I have a higher chance of this happening again, 20-30% chance. If and when we do get pregnant again I will be considered high risk and monitored weekly or bi-weekly.
Q3. If we have more kids, can I give birth naturally?
A3. To be determined. I should be able to, but it's not a guarantee. It'll be decided when we get there.
"I'm sorry I don't have all the answers for you. You're my mystery." My doctor said. "I don't know why and I'm sorry things went the way they did but I'm glad you and you're baby are doing OK. Bring me a picture next time you come, I'll see you again in six weeks. And when that boy comes home, bring him to see me."
"I will." I said and Shedrick and I thanked him and we walked out.
As we were leaving we heard my doctor say his nurse practitioner, "She's the one I was telling you about. I just don't know what happened."
I was going to have to accept that. I may never know why. I just needed to keep moving forward.
Later that night Shedrick asked me if I wanted to run to town to get a treat. I said yes and we hopped in the car and left. As we were driving in the dark silence Shedrick turned to me and said, "I looked."
"Huh?" I responded.
"At the doctor's office. I saw your bruises and your incision."
"Pretty bad, huh?" I responded.
And with a cracking voice he grabbed my hand and said, "I wish I could just take it all away... all your pain and hurt. It hurts me so bad to see you and Gray go through what you're going through and I wish I could take it all away."
I squeezed his hand tight.
"You make it better." I said. "I love you."
"I love you too, very much."
Monday, September 10, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
A Home Away from Home
Our first trip to Jackson to see Gray was wonderful, exciting, emotional, hard... the list goes on and on. But it was made so much better by this place...
Not only was it a place to stay at little to no cost, most importantly, it was a place filled with kindness, hope, and understanding.
When we checked in, we were shown to our room. It was simple, nothing fancy, no TV's or internet, but exactly what we needed. A comfy bed to sleep in and a bathroom. There were shared kitchens with snacks and drinks and food for our use and a few community play/living/dining rooms. Some dinners, and often Sunday breakfast was brought in and made by volunteers. The meals not only helped our pocketbook (having a baby in a NICU 160 miles away adds up real quick), but our spirits. It really is amazing what a good meal can do. It gave us a chance to relax, refuel, and chat.
Each day we completed a daily chore in exchange for staying. Shedrick and I worked together to get it done and be on our way to the NICU.
Everyone staying at the Ronald McDonald House had a baby/child at the hospital. They understood what it was like. Questions like, "How's are you?" or "How's the baby?" were used often and they weren't just thrown around nonchalantly, they were genuine.
The day it was discovered that Gray had the infection in his intestines, we returned to the Ronald McDonald house and went to the community living room to try to relax a bit. Some of the other ladies staying were making mini picture frames in the dining room and asked if I'd like to join. I did. It was just what I needed... something fun... a distraction, even if it was only for 15 minutes, to take my mind off things. Here is my frame they helped me create. It currently resides on Gray's nursery door.
We were able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House 4 weekends out of the 8 that Gray was in the NICU. It's difficult to describe in words what the Ronald McDonald House provided for us. It's an amazingly wonderful place and organization. In the future, Gray will know about them, what they did for us, and we plan to give back to them as a family.
Monday, August 20, 2012
A Setback
We participated in Gray's care whenever we could. Daddy got the honor of the first diaper change...
and
I did the next one.
We always rotated and shared in the small things that we could do for Gray. Diaper changes were hard. Gray was exceptionally wiggly, just like he was in my tummy, and he always got himself tangled in his wires. Often times he'd set his alarms off because he was so tangled and a sensor would rip off.
The alarms and beeping were constant. Like background music. It was overwhelming and at first, a bit scary. We'd hear an alarm and look up at Gray's monitors asking, "Is that our baby?" His nurses explained what every wire was for and what every number meant. It was all so intimidating. Sometimes, especially while turning him over, I was scared I was going to hurt Gray. The nurses were all so kind and they'd help me when I wanted it and answer all my questions.
On Monday morning we had followed our usual routine. It was just before lunch and I had left to pump and then we were going to get something to eat when I was done. I ran back to the NICU to give the nurse the milk to freeze and Gray's doctor was there.
"Are you mom?" She asked.
"Yes." I said looking at her nervously.
"Well, it appears your baby has developed an infection in his intestines. He's passed bloody stool twice and an x-ray revealed an area of cloudiness in his intestines."
Before she could say anymore I said, "Let me go get my husband." I handed the nurse next to me my milk and ran out to get Shedrick.
"OK, ready?" He said.
"NO, there's something wrong!" I said eyes filling with tears. "His doctor is in there now. Get washed up."
Shedrick quickly washed and put a gown on and we returned to Gray's bedside together.
The doctor explained to him, just as she did to me and then she said they needed to place a new IV and administer antibiotics and nutrition again because his feeding tube would be pulled and breast milk stopped. Then an x-ray technician rolled in to take another x-ray. We were asked to step back and then I just started to cry. That helplessness came back. There wasn't anything I could do.
After the x-ray, the nurses asked if we wanted to stay for the placement of the IV.
"Yes!" I said.
"Are you sure?" She asked. "Sometimes it's not pretty. Their veins are so tiny it can be very difficult and painful."
"I'm sure." I said.
Shedrick sat with me and held my hand as they took Gray's paci, dipped it in sugar water and gave it to him. One nurse held the paci in his mouth the the other placed his IV. After they were finished the doctor came back and explained to us that the intestines of preemies are underdeveloped and sensitive, therefore, can develop an infection called NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis). She said that NEC is very serious, however, they had caught things early and they were going to be very cautious and monitor him closely with x-rays.
When they left, I just sat next Gray. Touching him, staring at him, telling him I loved him and to be strong.
After a while, Shedrick finally coaxed me to take a break and get some fresh air and lunch. We did and I felt a bit better.
That night we packed up our things as we had to return home the following day for my check-up and we decided on a time we had to leave by.
Tuesday morning, we loaded up the car and checked out of the Ronald McDonald House. We went to visit Gray for an hour or two and then we had to go. I didn't want to go after the events of the previous day and I contemplated rescheduling my doctor's appointment. The nurses assured me that he was responding well to the antibiotics and he'd be OK and Shedrick kept telling me that it was really important that I make sure I was doing OK too.
Before we left we got our first family photo. I was stalling. Leaving sucked. Leaving and not knowing when we'd be able to return really sucked.
Shedrick said to me, "Emma, we really gotta go."
"I know." I said with more tears flowing. At that point, I thought I'd be out of tears but I wasn't.
We packed up our belongings, gave Gray lots of lovies, and hit the road. On our way out of town Shedrick spotted a frozen custard place. My husband knows me well. He knows ice cream makes anything better because we stopped for a treat.
We always rotated and shared in the small things that we could do for Gray. Diaper changes were hard. Gray was exceptionally wiggly, just like he was in my tummy, and he always got himself tangled in his wires. Often times he'd set his alarms off because he was so tangled and a sensor would rip off.
The alarms and beeping were constant. Like background music. It was overwhelming and at first, a bit scary. We'd hear an alarm and look up at Gray's monitors asking, "Is that our baby?" His nurses explained what every wire was for and what every number meant. It was all so intimidating. Sometimes, especially while turning him over, I was scared I was going to hurt Gray. The nurses were all so kind and they'd help me when I wanted it and answer all my questions.
On Monday morning we had followed our usual routine. It was just before lunch and I had left to pump and then we were going to get something to eat when I was done. I ran back to the NICU to give the nurse the milk to freeze and Gray's doctor was there.
"Are you mom?" She asked.
"Yes." I said looking at her nervously.
"Well, it appears your baby has developed an infection in his intestines. He's passed bloody stool twice and an x-ray revealed an area of cloudiness in his intestines."
Before she could say anymore I said, "Let me go get my husband." I handed the nurse next to me my milk and ran out to get Shedrick.
"OK, ready?" He said.
"NO, there's something wrong!" I said eyes filling with tears. "His doctor is in there now. Get washed up."
Shedrick quickly washed and put a gown on and we returned to Gray's bedside together.
The doctor explained to him, just as she did to me and then she said they needed to place a new IV and administer antibiotics and nutrition again because his feeding tube would be pulled and breast milk stopped. Then an x-ray technician rolled in to take another x-ray. We were asked to step back and then I just started to cry. That helplessness came back. There wasn't anything I could do.
After the x-ray, the nurses asked if we wanted to stay for the placement of the IV.
"Yes!" I said.
"Are you sure?" She asked. "Sometimes it's not pretty. Their veins are so tiny it can be very difficult and painful."
"I'm sure." I said.
Shedrick sat with me and held my hand as they took Gray's paci, dipped it in sugar water and gave it to him. One nurse held the paci in his mouth the the other placed his IV. After they were finished the doctor came back and explained to us that the intestines of preemies are underdeveloped and sensitive, therefore, can develop an infection called NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis). She said that NEC is very serious, however, they had caught things early and they were going to be very cautious and monitor him closely with x-rays.
When they left, I just sat next Gray. Touching him, staring at him, telling him I loved him and to be strong.
After a while, Shedrick finally coaxed me to take a break and get some fresh air and lunch. We did and I felt a bit better.
That night we packed up our things as we had to return home the following day for my check-up and we decided on a time we had to leave by.
Tuesday morning, we loaded up the car and checked out of the Ronald McDonald House. We went to visit Gray for an hour or two and then we had to go. I didn't want to go after the events of the previous day and I contemplated rescheduling my doctor's appointment. The nurses assured me that he was responding well to the antibiotics and he'd be OK and Shedrick kept telling me that it was really important that I make sure I was doing OK too.
Before we left we got our first family photo. I was stalling. Leaving sucked. Leaving and not knowing when we'd be able to return really sucked.
"I know." I said with more tears flowing. At that point, I thought I'd be out of tears but I wasn't.
We packed up our belongings, gave Gray lots of lovies, and hit the road. On our way out of town Shedrick spotted a frozen custard place. My husband knows me well. He knows ice cream makes anything better because we stopped for a treat.
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