We always rotated and shared in the small things that we could do for Gray. Diaper changes were hard. Gray was exceptionally wiggly, just like he was in my tummy, and he always got himself tangled in his wires. Often times he'd set his alarms off because he was so tangled and a sensor would rip off.
The alarms and beeping were constant. Like background music. It was overwhelming and at first, a bit scary. We'd hear an alarm and look up at Gray's monitors asking, "Is that our baby?" His nurses explained what every wire was for and what every number meant. It was all so intimidating. Sometimes, especially while turning him over, I was scared I was going to hurt Gray. The nurses were all so kind and they'd help me when I wanted it and answer all my questions.
On Monday morning we had followed our usual routine. It was just before lunch and I had left to pump and then we were going to get something to eat when I was done. I ran back to the NICU to give the nurse the milk to freeze and Gray's doctor was there.
"Are you mom?" She asked.
"Yes." I said looking at her nervously.
"Well, it appears your baby has developed an infection in his intestines. He's passed bloody stool twice and an x-ray revealed an area of cloudiness in his intestines."
Before she could say anymore I said, "Let me go get my husband." I handed the nurse next to me my milk and ran out to get Shedrick.
"OK, ready?" He said.
"NO, there's something wrong!" I said eyes filling with tears. "His doctor is in there now. Get washed up."
Shedrick quickly washed and put a gown on and we returned to Gray's bedside together.
The doctor explained to him, just as she did to me and then she said they needed to place a new IV and administer antibiotics and nutrition again because his feeding tube would be pulled and breast milk stopped. Then an x-ray technician rolled in to take another x-ray. We were asked to step back and then I just started to cry. That helplessness came back. There wasn't anything I could do.
After the x-ray, the nurses asked if we wanted to stay for the placement of the IV.
"Yes!" I said.
"Are you sure?" She asked. "Sometimes it's not pretty. Their veins are so tiny it can be very difficult and painful."
"I'm sure." I said.
Shedrick sat with me and held my hand as they took Gray's paci, dipped it in sugar water and gave it to him. One nurse held the paci in his mouth the the other placed his IV. After they were finished the doctor came back and explained to us that the intestines of preemies are underdeveloped and sensitive, therefore, can develop an infection called NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis). She said that NEC is very serious, however, they had caught things early and they were going to be very cautious and monitor him closely with x-rays.
When they left, I just sat next Gray. Touching him, staring at him, telling him I loved him and to be strong.
After a while, Shedrick finally coaxed me to take a break and get some fresh air and lunch. We did and I felt a bit better.
That night we packed up our things as we had to return home the following day for my check-up and we decided on a time we had to leave by.
Tuesday morning, we loaded up the car and checked out of the Ronald McDonald House. We went to visit Gray for an hour or two and then we had to go. I didn't want to go after the events of the previous day and I contemplated rescheduling my doctor's appointment. The nurses assured me that he was responding well to the antibiotics and he'd be OK and Shedrick kept telling me that it was really important that I make sure I was doing OK too.
Before we left we got our first family photo. I was stalling. Leaving sucked. Leaving and not knowing when we'd be able to return really sucked.
"I know." I said with more tears flowing. At that point, I thought I'd be out of tears but I wasn't.
We packed up our belongings, gave Gray lots of lovies, and hit the road. On our way out of town Shedrick spotted a frozen custard place. My husband knows me well. He knows ice cream makes anything better because we stopped for a treat.
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