A Setback

We participated in Gray's care whenever we could.  Daddy got the honor of the first diaper change...

and I did the next one.

We always rotated and shared in the small things that we could do for Gray.  Diaper changes were hard.  Gray was exceptionally wiggly, just like he was in my tummy, and he always got himself tangled in his wires.  Often times he'd set his alarms off because he was so tangled and a sensor would rip off.

The alarms and beeping were constant.  Like background music.  It was overwhelming and at first, a bit scary.  We'd hear an alarm and look up at Gray's monitors asking, "Is that our baby?"  His nurses explained what every wire was for and what every number meant.  It was all so intimidating.  Sometimes, especially while turning him over, I was scared I was going to hurt Gray.  The nurses were all so kind and they'd help me when I wanted it and answer all my questions.

On Monday morning we had followed our usual routine.  It was just before lunch and I had left to pump and then we were going to get something to eat when I was done.  I ran back to the NICU to give the nurse the milk to freeze and Gray's doctor was there.

"Are you mom?"  She asked.
"Yes."  I said looking at her nervously.
"Well, it appears your baby has developed an infection in his intestines.  He's passed bloody stool twice and an x-ray revealed an area of cloudiness in his intestines."
Before she could say anymore I said, "Let me go get my husband."  I handed the nurse next to me my milk and ran out to get Shedrick.

"OK, ready?"  He said.
"NO, there's something wrong!"  I said eyes filling with tears.  "His doctor is in there now.  Get washed up."

Shedrick quickly washed and put a gown on and we returned to Gray's bedside together.

The doctor explained to him, just as she did to me and then she said they needed to place a new IV and administer antibiotics and nutrition again because his feeding tube would be pulled and breast milk stopped.  Then an x-ray technician rolled in to take another x-ray.  We were asked to step back and then I just started to cry.  That helplessness came back.  There wasn't anything I could do.

After the x-ray, the nurses asked if we wanted to stay for the placement of the IV.
"Yes!"  I said.
"Are you sure?"  She asked.  "Sometimes it's not pretty.  Their veins are so tiny it can be very difficult and painful."
"I'm sure."  I said.

Shedrick sat with me and held my hand as they took Gray's paci, dipped it in sugar water and gave it to him.  One nurse held the paci in his mouth the the other placed his IV.  After they were finished the doctor came back and explained to us that the intestines of preemies are underdeveloped and sensitive, therefore, can develop an infection called NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis).  She said that NEC is very serious, however, they had caught things early and they were going to be very cautious and monitor him closely with x-rays.

When they left, I just sat next Gray.  Touching him, staring at him, telling him I loved him and to be strong.

After a while, Shedrick finally coaxed me to take a break and get some fresh air and lunch.  We did and I felt a bit better.

That night we packed up our things as we had to return home the following day for my check-up and we decided on a time we had to leave by.

Tuesday morning, we loaded up the car and checked out of the Ronald McDonald House.  We went to visit Gray for an hour or two and then we had to go.  I didn't want to go after the events of the previous day and I contemplated rescheduling my doctor's appointment.  The nurses assured me that he was responding well to the antibiotics and he'd be OK and Shedrick kept telling me that it was really important that I make sure I was doing OK too.  

Before we left we got our first family photo.  I was stalling.  Leaving sucked.  Leaving and not knowing when we'd be able to return really sucked.

Shedrick said to me, "Emma, we really gotta go."
"I know."  I said with more tears flowing.  At that point, I thought I'd be out of tears but I wasn't.

We packed up our belongings, gave Gray lots of lovies, and hit the road.  On our way out of town Shedrick spotted a frozen custard place.  My husband knows me well.  He knows ice cream makes anything better because we stopped for a treat.

The First Meeting - 1 Week Old

It was 9am on Friday, March 16, a week since Gray was born, and my phone was ringing on the table beside me.  It was a number I didn't recognize.  And with the number of people calling me concerning Gray it didn't matter that I didn't know who it was, I just answered.

"Hi, Emma?"  The voice on the other end said.
"Yes?"  I relplied.
"This is your social worker from UMC.  I just got a call from the Ronald McDonald house here and they said they have a spot for you."

Those words were like music to my ears.  My eyes immediately began to fill with tears.

"Will you be able to make it down here?"  She asked.  "If you need to discuss it with you're husband you can call me back."
"No, no, we'll take it!"  I said.  I had already told Shedrick that as soon as we could go I wanted to, I didn't care what shape I was in.  Unless, I was readmitted to the hospital, nothing was going to stop me from going.
"OK, great!" She said.  "I'll let them know you're coming.  When you get here all the information you need will be at Gray's bedside."

I thanked her and hung up.

Turning to Shedrick I said, "We get to go see Gray!"
He gave me a big hug and said, "OK, let's get ready."

Ugh... just the thought of getting ready made me tired.  It had been a week and I was still extremely bruised, sore, and slow moving.  At that moment, I wished I had gotten a bag together while my mom was here to help.  Shedrick helped as much as he could.  I told him what and where and he did all the moving for me.  Then I got in the shower.

After, I had to sit.  Amazing how what used to be such a simple task was now so much work, taking forever and making me so tired.  Shedrick came and checked on me as he had been doing throughout the week because I was under a strict 24-hour supervision policy from my doctor due to my seizures.  "You OK?"  He asked.
"Yeah, I just need a break."  I said.
"It's alright."  He said.  "Take your time."

I sat for a few minutes and then got back up and continued getting things together.  I was running on adrenaline and excitement.  I didn't bother with make-up or hair, just combed it out.  I collected my bag of toiletries and added it to the pile of other bags with clothing, my pump, snacks, drinks, and a few things for Gray that was to go in the car.

Right before we left a friend of mine stopped by with her mother-in-law.  Her mother-in-law just happened to be a former NICU nurse.  This is where I received another bit of great advice.  She gave me a big hug and she said, "Now, don't go and get NICU vision.  You've got to take of yourself and you've got to take breaks and it's OK to leave.  He's going to be just fine and he need you to be healthy too.  OK?"  She said.
"OK."  I replied.

They left and we got in the car to make the 160 mile, almost three hour, trek to see our baby boy.

Shedrick drove as I wasn't allowed to due to my surgery and seizures.  And after a nasty bathroom pit stop, a very bumpy pump session, and some great conversation we made it to Jackson.

I could see the hospital from the highway and my anxiety went through the roof.  I couldn't believe we were finally there and I couldn't wait any longer.  We needed to get there and get there now!  Every red light seemed to last forever and finding a parking spot was even worse.  As we parked I felt shaky.  We walked through the doors, down a long hallway, passed the family waiting room, right up to the NICU entrance.

We made it.  We showed the person at the front who was controlling the door our mommy and daddy bracelets that matched Gray's, scrubbed up like we were surgeons, and put on gowns.

The doors opened in front of us, I looked at Shedrick, took a deep breath and in we went.

To the left and to the right of us there were tons of incubators filled with tiny babies.  There was probably at least 75 babies in there.  The lady at the front had told us that Gray was on the right side.  So we walked, slowly down the aisles of the right side of the NICU looking for Gray's name tag.

Then, there it was...

and there he was...

I placed my hands and my face against his incubator and began to cry.

Was that tiny little boy in there covered in a tangled web of wires really mine?  I knew he was mine, but at the same time it was so surreal.  I never experienced any kind of birth.  And now here he was right in front of my eyes so small yet so perfect and beautiful.  He had no eyelashes or eyebrows and little hairs all over his body.

Just then a nurse came over.  "Are you mom and dad?" She asked as she handed me a box of tissues.
"Yes."  We replied.
"I'm taking care of Gray today.  Do you have any questions?"  She said.

I didn't even know what to ask.  It was like I froze.  Before coming I had tons of questions, and at that moment I couldn't think of anything.  All I could do was stare at my boy.

"How's he doing?"  I asked.
"He's doing really well."  She said.  "His weight dropped to 2 pounds, 4 ounces, but that's normal after birth and he's getting all the nutrition he needs right now through his IV.  He's getting a small amount of donor milk so his tummy can get accustomed to it.  He's breathing all on his own which is wonderful and his humidity is slowly being decreased.  He had head ultrasounds and they look pretty normal for a preemie of his age.  There are some small bleeds.  Again, that happens in a lot of preemies and we'll do more ultrasounds to be sure they're healing so try not to worry."

"When can we hold him?"  I asked.
"He needs to be 3 pounds, 4 ounces."  She relplied.  "At that weigh he'll be able to maintain his body temperature better and be alot stronger."

"How long until he comes home?"  I wanted to know.  Deep down, I knew she wouldn't have an answer for me but I had to ask anyway.
"Well..." she said, "every baby is different.  Keep your due date in mind to give yourself a time frame.  He's supposed to still be in your belly so he needs time to grow and develop.  Sometimes babies do really well and the go home a bit before their due date.  He's got to be at least 35 weeks and 4 pounds and eating on his own."
"OK."  I said.

"Would you like to learn how to do his care?"  She asked us.
"Yes!"  We replied and she proceeded to show us the proper way to touch Gray, as well as turn him over, change his diaper, and take his temperature.

Then she made a foot print for us.

That evening we went and checked into the Ronald McDonald House (RMH), which was right down the street from the hospital, got dinner and came back to the NICU.

We followed the same routine Saturday and Sunday.  Got up, ate breakfast, went to the NICU, took a break for lunch, went back, took a break for dinner, went back, and then around 10pm called it a night.  The days were long, filled with ups and downs, and the nights were restless, but this would be our reality for the next unknown number of days, weeks, and months.

Words of Advice

During the tough days after Gray's birth, my mom spent lots of time calling and updating family and friends for us.  Sometimes you just don't feel like talking to lots of people and telling the same story over and over again.  That is perfectly OK.  Talk about it when you're ready.

Having a preemie is a whole different world.  One I was completely unprepared for.  I wanted, needed, searched for, and accepted any advice/positive words/encouragement I could get.

The first bit of encouragement I received was from my auntie.

My mom called me and she said, "Emma, just got off the phone with your auntie and she told me to tell you this, 'In order for you to get through this you need to do two things... be brave and be strong.  Do it for Gray.  If you can do that... you'll be OK.' "

The second bit of positivity I received was from my mom.  She and Shedrick constantly told me to keep in mind that Gray wasn't even supposed to be here yet and that he had a lot of growing and developing to do.

The fact was that Gray was here and because he couldn't grow and develop in my tummy he needed to do so in the NICU.  The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  Sounded scary and sad and no fun.

And then mom said, "Think of it as a techno tummy."
And that made me smile.  For whatever reason, Gray couldn't stay in my tummy so he was in the next best place.
"Just think, you get to see what others don't."  She said.
And she was right, I got to see a miracle unfold and grow and develop right before my very eyes.

The power of positive thinking is real.  I adopted these sayings from the very beginning and they helped me tremendously through out our entire NICU experience and after.

I am 1 in 3000

Yep, 1 in 3000.  That's how many women develop eclampsia.  That's what I developed.

According to the US National Library of Medicine eclampsia is seizures in a pregnant woman unrelated to a preexisting brain condition.

Eclampsia is prefaced by preeclampsia.

Preeclampsia is high blood pressure in a pregnant women.

Preeclampsia and eclampsia can be life threatening for both mother and child.

Preeclampsia is much more common.  It happens in 2-8% of women, often times, in first pregnancies.  Many woman don't even know they have preeclampsia until they have their blood pressure checked.  I didn't know I had it until I was admitted to the hospital.  My high blood pressure, abdominal pain, abnormal liver enzymes and blood work, urine filled with protein, and vomiting all pointed to one thing... severe preeclampsia.

There is no cure/treatment for preeclampsia.  It can only be managed with bed rest and in severe cases medicine.  There are no guarantees that it can be managed and it will only go away after the baby is born.  20% of the world's premature babies were born because of preeclampsia. 

So, why was Gray born prematurely?

The simple answer.

Severe preeclampsia followed by eclampsia.

Why did I develop preeclampsia and then eclampsia?

I don't have an answer to that one.

My doctors don't either.  According to them I was a very atypical case.

Maybe one day we will know why these things happen and be able to prevent it.

**I am not a doctor.  The information provided here is based on my own personal research and experience.**