Words cannot express what I feel for my doctors and nurses that I had while in the hospital and for follow-up care. Let's be blunt here... I could have had my seizures at home. And I would have been home ALONE!
My doctor has been caring for pregnant women for years; delivering thousand of babies. He had a feeling about me. An instinct. An intuition. And he followed it. Things seemed to be getting better but he just kept saying to me, "I just don't feel right about letting you go home." Trusting and following that intuition saved me... it saved Gray.
HOW DO YOU THANK SOMEONE FOR THAT?
My best attempt, to get anywhere close to how I feel, goes something like this...
"I'm not quite sure how to thank you all for saving my life and my son's life. The words thank you just don't seem like enough. But thank you! You're the best doctors and nurses I could have asked for. Thank you for following your intuitions, your swift actions, your amazing care, kindness, and love. I promise to always work hard and fight for my family because you did. You all will always have a special place in my heart and in our family. Thank you!"
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Post-Op Check-Up
We left Jackson on Tuesday on a mission. We had to get back home so I could make it to my post-op appointment. I wanted to reschedule the appointment so we could stay with Gray longer but I was still badly bruised and swollen and in pain and I needed to be checked to make sure I was healing properly.
As we arrived back to town tension was high and both our fuses were short. It had been a long day, a long drive, and I'll say it again... having to leave your child sucks. When I was pregnant Shedrick came to EVERY SINGLE doctor's appointment. But, we had never gone to the doctor from the direction we were coming. We wound up on the way wrong side of town, nowhere near the doctor's office. I'll admit, I'm a terrible navigator, even with a GPS. My brain just doesn't do driving from a map. And my brain on lots of meds REALLY doesn't do it.
We eventually found our way to the clinic and signed in and sat down to wait. The waiting room was full. Full of people complaining about their pregnancies. Complaining loudly. I lost it. I wanted to explode. I wanted to scream at them, "At least your still pregnant! And healthy! And the baby is healthy!" I started to cry... again. At that point, I wished it was possible to run out of tears.
"You OK?" Shedrick asked.
"I'll be fine." I said.
And then I remebered my saying... be brave... be strong. I kept saying it to myself. I took deep breathes and reminded myself that it would be OK.
"Emma?" Said a voice from behind the door.
Finally! It was my turn be seen.
We made a quick stop to get my blood pressure, which was still too high, and then we followed the nurse back to the exam room.
I carefully climbed up on to the exam table and Shedrick sat in the chair next to me. And we waited.
"I'm not going to look." Shedrick said.
"It's OK... you don't have to." I told him.
After a little while, my doctor came in.
"How's my Emma today?" He asked as he shook Shedrick's hand and gave me a hug.
"OK." I said.
"And, our special little boy?"
"He's doing pretty good." I replied as I showed him a picture on my phone.
"Good. You guys gave us all a scare." He said
"Yes, they did." Shedrick chimed in.
"Let's take a peek." My doctor said.
"It hurts a lot." I told him.
"You don't have to be in pain." He said. "Let me write you a prescripption for some more pain meds. You're incision is healling nicely but I'm sorry to see all this bruising. You can use a heating pad to help that as well as your pain. And keep taking the blood pressure medication. Do you have any other questipons?"
I had several. Here's what I asked and the answers I was given:
Q1. Why did this happen? I had asked this before. I don't know if I felt the need to ask again because I was hoping for a different or bettter answer, but I asked.
A1. Unknown. I was not the norm other than this was my first pregnancy.
Q2. I want to have more kids, will this happen again?
A2. I have a higher chance of this happening again, 20-30% chance. If and when we do get pregnant again I will be considered high risk and monitored weekly or bi-weekly.
Q3. If we have more kids, can I give birth naturally?
A3. To be determined. I should be able to, but it's not a guarantee. It'll be decided when we get there.
"I'm sorry I don't have all the answers for you. You're my mystery." My doctor said. "I don't know why and I'm sorry things went the way they did but I'm glad you and you're baby are doing OK. Bring me a picture next time you come, I'll see you again in six weeks. And when that boy comes home, bring him to see me."
"I will." I said and Shedrick and I thanked him and we walked out.
As we were leaving we heard my doctor say his nurse practitioner, "She's the one I was telling you about. I just don't know what happened."
I was going to have to accept that. I may never know why. I just needed to keep moving forward.
Later that night Shedrick asked me if I wanted to run to town to get a treat. I said yes and we hopped in the car and left. As we were driving in the dark silence Shedrick turned to me and said, "I looked."
"Huh?" I responded.
"At the doctor's office. I saw your bruises and your incision."
"Pretty bad, huh?" I responded.
And with a cracking voice he grabbed my hand and said, "I wish I could just take it all away... all your pain and hurt. It hurts me so bad to see you and Gray go through what you're going through and I wish I could take it all away."
I squeezed his hand tight.
"You make it better." I said. "I love you."
"I love you too, very much."
As we arrived back to town tension was high and both our fuses were short. It had been a long day, a long drive, and I'll say it again... having to leave your child sucks. When I was pregnant Shedrick came to EVERY SINGLE doctor's appointment. But, we had never gone to the doctor from the direction we were coming. We wound up on the way wrong side of town, nowhere near the doctor's office. I'll admit, I'm a terrible navigator, even with a GPS. My brain just doesn't do driving from a map. And my brain on lots of meds REALLY doesn't do it.
We eventually found our way to the clinic and signed in and sat down to wait. The waiting room was full. Full of people complaining about their pregnancies. Complaining loudly. I lost it. I wanted to explode. I wanted to scream at them, "At least your still pregnant! And healthy! And the baby is healthy!" I started to cry... again. At that point, I wished it was possible to run out of tears.
"You OK?" Shedrick asked.
"I'll be fine." I said.
And then I remebered my saying... be brave... be strong. I kept saying it to myself. I took deep breathes and reminded myself that it would be OK.
"Emma?" Said a voice from behind the door.
Finally! It was my turn be seen.
We made a quick stop to get my blood pressure, which was still too high, and then we followed the nurse back to the exam room.
I carefully climbed up on to the exam table and Shedrick sat in the chair next to me. And we waited.
"I'm not going to look." Shedrick said.
"It's OK... you don't have to." I told him.
After a little while, my doctor came in.
"How's my Emma today?" He asked as he shook Shedrick's hand and gave me a hug.
"OK." I said.
"And, our special little boy?"
"He's doing pretty good." I replied as I showed him a picture on my phone.
"Good. You guys gave us all a scare." He said
"Yes, they did." Shedrick chimed in.
"Let's take a peek." My doctor said.
"It hurts a lot." I told him.
"You don't have to be in pain." He said. "Let me write you a prescripption for some more pain meds. You're incision is healling nicely but I'm sorry to see all this bruising. You can use a heating pad to help that as well as your pain. And keep taking the blood pressure medication. Do you have any other questipons?"
I had several. Here's what I asked and the answers I was given:
Q1. Why did this happen? I had asked this before. I don't know if I felt the need to ask again because I was hoping for a different or bettter answer, but I asked.
A1. Unknown. I was not the norm other than this was my first pregnancy.
Q2. I want to have more kids, will this happen again?
A2. I have a higher chance of this happening again, 20-30% chance. If and when we do get pregnant again I will be considered high risk and monitored weekly or bi-weekly.
Q3. If we have more kids, can I give birth naturally?
A3. To be determined. I should be able to, but it's not a guarantee. It'll be decided when we get there.
"I'm sorry I don't have all the answers for you. You're my mystery." My doctor said. "I don't know why and I'm sorry things went the way they did but I'm glad you and you're baby are doing OK. Bring me a picture next time you come, I'll see you again in six weeks. And when that boy comes home, bring him to see me."
"I will." I said and Shedrick and I thanked him and we walked out.
As we were leaving we heard my doctor say his nurse practitioner, "She's the one I was telling you about. I just don't know what happened."
I was going to have to accept that. I may never know why. I just needed to keep moving forward.
Later that night Shedrick asked me if I wanted to run to town to get a treat. I said yes and we hopped in the car and left. As we were driving in the dark silence Shedrick turned to me and said, "I looked."
"Huh?" I responded.
"At the doctor's office. I saw your bruises and your incision."
"Pretty bad, huh?" I responded.
And with a cracking voice he grabbed my hand and said, "I wish I could just take it all away... all your pain and hurt. It hurts me so bad to see you and Gray go through what you're going through and I wish I could take it all away."
I squeezed his hand tight.
"You make it better." I said. "I love you."
"I love you too, very much."
Saturday, September 1, 2012
A Home Away from Home
Our first trip to Jackson to see Gray was wonderful, exciting, emotional, hard... the list goes on and on. But it was made so much better by this place...
Not only was it a place to stay at little to no cost, most importantly, it was a place filled with kindness, hope, and understanding.
When we checked in, we were shown to our room. It was simple, nothing fancy, no TV's or internet, but exactly what we needed. A comfy bed to sleep in and a bathroom. There were shared kitchens with snacks and drinks and food for our use and a few community play/living/dining rooms. Some dinners, and often Sunday breakfast was brought in and made by volunteers. The meals not only helped our pocketbook (having a baby in a NICU 160 miles away adds up real quick), but our spirits. It really is amazing what a good meal can do. It gave us a chance to relax, refuel, and chat.
Each day we completed a daily chore in exchange for staying. Shedrick and I worked together to get it done and be on our way to the NICU.
Everyone staying at the Ronald McDonald House had a baby/child at the hospital. They understood what it was like. Questions like, "How's are you?" or "How's the baby?" were used often and they weren't just thrown around nonchalantly, they were genuine.
The day it was discovered that Gray had the infection in his intestines, we returned to the Ronald McDonald house and went to the community living room to try to relax a bit. Some of the other ladies staying were making mini picture frames in the dining room and asked if I'd like to join. I did. It was just what I needed... something fun... a distraction, even if it was only for 15 minutes, to take my mind off things. Here is my frame they helped me create. It currently resides on Gray's nursery door.
We were able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House 4 weekends out of the 8 that Gray was in the NICU. It's difficult to describe in words what the Ronald McDonald House provided for us. It's an amazingly wonderful place and organization. In the future, Gray will know about them, what they did for us, and we plan to give back to them as a family.
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