Post-Op Check-Up

We left Jackson on Tuesday on a mission.  We had to get back home so I could make it to my post-op appointment.  I wanted to reschedule the appointment so we could stay with Gray longer but I was still badly bruised and swollen and in pain and I needed to be checked to make sure I was healing properly.

As we arrived back to town tension was high and both our fuses were short.  It had been a long day, a long drive, and I'll say it again... having to leave your child sucks.  When I was pregnant Shedrick came to EVERY SINGLE doctor's appointment.  But, we had never gone to the doctor from the direction we were coming.  We wound up on the way wrong side of town, nowhere near the doctor's office.  I'll admit, I'm a terrible navigator, even with a GPS.  My brain just doesn't do driving from a map.  And my brain on lots of meds REALLY doesn't do it.

We eventually found our way to the clinic and signed in and sat down to wait.  The waiting room was full.  Full of people complaining about their pregnancies.  Complaining loudly.  I lost it.  I wanted to explode.  I wanted to scream at them, "At least your still pregnant!  And healthy!  And the baby is healthy!"  I started to cry... again.  At that point, I wished it was possible to run out of tears.

"You OK?"  Shedrick asked.
"I'll be fine."  I said.

And then I remebered my saying... be brave... be strong.  I kept saying it to myself.  I took deep breathes and reminded myself that it would be OK.

"Emma?"  Said a voice from behind the door.

Finally!  It was my turn be seen.

We made a quick stop to get my blood pressure, which was still too high, and then we followed the nurse back to the exam room.

I carefully climbed up on to the exam table and Shedrick sat in the chair next to me.  And we waited.

"I'm not going to look."  Shedrick said.
"It's OK... you don't have to."  I told him.

After a little while, my doctor came in.

"How's my Emma today?"  He asked as he shook Shedrick's hand and gave me a hug.
"OK."  I said.
"And, our special little boy?"
"He's doing pretty good."  I replied as I showed him a picture on my phone.
"Good.  You guys gave us all a scare."  He said
"Yes, they did."  Shedrick chimed in.
"Let's take a peek."  My doctor said.
"It hurts a lot."  I told him.
"You don't have to be in pain."  He said.  "Let me write you a prescripption for some more pain meds.  You're incision is healling nicely but I'm sorry to see all this bruising.  You can use a heating pad to help that as well as your pain.  And keep taking the blood pressure medication.  Do you have any other questipons?"

I had several.  Here's what I asked and the answers I was given:

Q1.  Why did this happen?  I had asked this before.  I don't know if I felt the need to ask again because I was hoping for a different or bettter answer, but I asked.
A1.  Unknown.  I was not the norm other than this was my first pregnancy.

Q2.  I want to have more kids, will this happen again?
A2.  I have a higher chance of this happening again, 20-30% chance.  If and when we do get pregnant again I will be considered high risk and monitored weekly or bi-weekly.

Q3.  If we have more kids, can I give birth naturally?
A3.  To be determined.  I should be able to, but it's not a guarantee.  It'll be decided when we get there.

"I'm sorry I don't have all the answers for you.  You're my mystery."  My doctor said.  "I don't know why and I'm sorry things went the way they did but I'm glad you and you're baby are doing OK.  Bring me a picture next time you come, I'll see you again in six weeks.  And when that boy comes home, bring him to see me."
"I will."  I said and Shedrick and I thanked him and we walked out.

As we were leaving we heard my doctor say his nurse practitioner, "She's the one I was telling you about.  I just don't know what happened."

I was going to have to accept that.  I may never know why.  I just needed to keep moving forward.

Later that night Shedrick asked me if I wanted to run to town to get a treat.  I said yes and we hopped in the car and left.  As we were driving in the dark silence Shedrick turned to me and said, "I looked."
"Huh?"  I responded.
"At the doctor's office.  I saw your bruises and your incision."
"Pretty bad, huh?"  I responded.
And with a cracking voice he grabbed my hand and said, "I wish I could just take it all away... all your pain and hurt.  It hurts me so bad to see you and Gray go through what you're going through and I wish I could take it all away."

I squeezed his hand tight.
"You make it better."  I said.  "I love you."
"I love you too, very much."