Post-Op Check-Up

We left Jackson on Tuesday on a mission.  We had to get back home so I could make it to my post-op appointment.  I wanted to reschedule the appointment so we could stay with Gray longer but I was still badly bruised and swollen and in pain and I needed to be checked to make sure I was healing properly.

As we arrived back to town tension was high and both our fuses were short.  It had been a long day, a long drive, and I'll say it again... having to leave your child sucks.  When I was pregnant Shedrick came to EVERY SINGLE doctor's appointment.  But, we had never gone to the doctor from the direction we were coming.  We wound up on the way wrong side of town, nowhere near the doctor's office.  I'll admit, I'm a terrible navigator, even with a GPS.  My brain just doesn't do driving from a map.  And my brain on lots of meds REALLY doesn't do it.

We eventually found our way to the clinic and signed in and sat down to wait.  The waiting room was full.  Full of people complaining about their pregnancies.  Complaining loudly.  I lost it.  I wanted to explode.  I wanted to scream at them, "At least your still pregnant!  And healthy!  And the baby is healthy!"  I started to cry... again.  At that point, I wished it was possible to run out of tears.

"You OK?"  Shedrick asked.
"I'll be fine."  I said.

And then I remebered my saying... be brave... be strong.  I kept saying it to myself.  I took deep breathes and reminded myself that it would be OK.

"Emma?"  Said a voice from behind the door.

Finally!  It was my turn be seen.

We made a quick stop to get my blood pressure, which was still too high, and then we followed the nurse back to the exam room.

I carefully climbed up on to the exam table and Shedrick sat in the chair next to me.  And we waited.

"I'm not going to look."  Shedrick said.
"It's OK... you don't have to."  I told him.

After a little while, my doctor came in.

"How's my Emma today?"  He asked as he shook Shedrick's hand and gave me a hug.
"OK."  I said.
"And, our special little boy?"
"He's doing pretty good."  I replied as I showed him a picture on my phone.
"Good.  You guys gave us all a scare."  He said
"Yes, they did."  Shedrick chimed in.
"Let's take a peek."  My doctor said.
"It hurts a lot."  I told him.
"You don't have to be in pain."  He said.  "Let me write you a prescripption for some more pain meds.  You're incision is healling nicely but I'm sorry to see all this bruising.  You can use a heating pad to help that as well as your pain.  And keep taking the blood pressure medication.  Do you have any other questipons?"

I had several.  Here's what I asked and the answers I was given:

Q1.  Why did this happen?  I had asked this before.  I don't know if I felt the need to ask again because I was hoping for a different or bettter answer, but I asked.
A1.  Unknown.  I was not the norm other than this was my first pregnancy.

Q2.  I want to have more kids, will this happen again?
A2.  I have a higher chance of this happening again, 20-30% chance.  If and when we do get pregnant again I will be considered high risk and monitored weekly or bi-weekly.

Q3.  If we have more kids, can I give birth naturally?
A3.  To be determined.  I should be able to, but it's not a guarantee.  It'll be decided when we get there.

"I'm sorry I don't have all the answers for you.  You're my mystery."  My doctor said.  "I don't know why and I'm sorry things went the way they did but I'm glad you and you're baby are doing OK.  Bring me a picture next time you come, I'll see you again in six weeks.  And when that boy comes home, bring him to see me."
"I will."  I said and Shedrick and I thanked him and we walked out.

As we were leaving we heard my doctor say his nurse practitioner, "She's the one I was telling you about.  I just don't know what happened."

I was going to have to accept that.  I may never know why.  I just needed to keep moving forward.

Later that night Shedrick asked me if I wanted to run to town to get a treat.  I said yes and we hopped in the car and left.  As we were driving in the dark silence Shedrick turned to me and said, "I looked."
"Huh?"  I responded.
"At the doctor's office.  I saw your bruises and your incision."
"Pretty bad, huh?"  I responded.
And with a cracking voice he grabbed my hand and said, "I wish I could just take it all away... all your pain and hurt.  It hurts me so bad to see you and Gray go through what you're going through and I wish I could take it all away."

I squeezed his hand tight.
"You make it better."  I said.  "I love you."
"I love you too, very much."

Where Our Story Begins

It was Wednesday, March 7, 2012.  I was almost 29 weeks pregnant.  It was 4am and I was uncomfortable.  I got up, went to the bathroom, and went down to the kitchen to get something to eat.  After doing so my discomfort only got worse.  I thought I could have a bladder infection, or possibly a kidney infection, as I had pain in my belly and in my back in the kidney area.  I tried to relax and drink lots of water.  I told myself I'd give it some time and if things didn't improve I'd call my doctor's office when they opened.  After about 2 hours and no relief, I decided I'd try a hot shower.  At this point Shedrick was waking up.  He asked if I was OK and I responded that I was very uncomfortable and I was going to try a hot shower.  The hot shower didn't help either.  I started to feel worse.  The pain was getting worse and I knew something wasn't right.  I quickly finished up and got out.  After getting out, I realized Shedrick had already left for PT.  I got dressed and called the on-call doctor and told her what was going on.  She said it could be false labor but to be safe I should go to the emergency room.  I got my things together and tried to get a hold of Shedrick on his cell and at the gym.  No luck.  So I waited, pacing by the door for him to come home.

He finally came home after what seemed like forever and there I was by the door.

He looked at me concerned and said, "What's wrong?"
"We have to go to the hospital now."  I said.

He didn't hesitate.  He ran upstairs, didn't even change out of his sweaty PT clothes, washed his face, got his shoes and his wallet and we were on our way.  I filled him in on the way to the hospital.  We got to the emergency room, checked in, and waited.  Shedrick said he knew it was bad when he did an impersonation/joke that usually makes me laugh and I didn't.  They told me to sit, and I couldn't, the only thing that made me feel better was to pace and breath.  Finally they called my name.  We walked in, they asked me a few questions and then they took my blood pressure... 158/120-something (I was in pain, I don't remember exactly what they said).

They just looked at me and said, "You need to go up to labor and delivery now, your blood pressure is way too high!"

They put me in a wheel chair and up we went.

I was put in a room and told to change into a gown and climb in bed.  Within minutes I was surrounded by nurses and doctors.  They got an IV started, put a blood pressure cuff on my arm that automatically took a reading every 15 minutes, and put the monitor on my belly.  The second I heard that heartbeat and it was OK... I was able to relax a little.  Then a doctor checked my cervix.  It was tightly closed.  And based on the monitor I wasn't having contractions.  I started relaxing a little more.  However, I still had a lot of pain in my back and belly.

Then, my doctor walked in, looked at me and said, "With blood pressure that high, you're staying overnight."

They began a 24-hour urine analysis, pain medicine, and an ultrasound tech came in to check the baby.  My doctor told us they needed to see how big he was because high blood pressure in pregnancy can be life threatening to both mother and baby and in the worst case scenario we could have the baby early via c-section.  The ultra sound tech finished and said he looked great.  As a precaution, I was given 2 steroid shots to help baby's lungs develop in case they had to deliver.

After a while, I started feeling better.  I told Shedrick to call my mom at work to let her know what was going on.  I wasn't in as much pain anymore and my blood pressure had dropped a bit, but it was still high.  At that point I told Bee he could go home if he wanted.  He hadn't eaten or showered and it was past lunch time already.  He did, and he came back with snacks and books and magazines and hunkered down for a night in the hospital with me.  I was kept on all the monitors all day and night.  It was a rough night.  I had never stayed in a hospital before.  I was checked on every few hours, which didn't bother me, it actually made me feel better, but in the middle of the night I woke up and puked.   Luckily, I called the nurse and she made it to me just in time with a bag.  The commotion woke Shedrick and he got up to make sure I was OK.  After a little water I felt better and we went back to sleep to the sound of our little man's heartbeat.

The next morning, my doctor came back and told me I still had protein and enzymes in my urine and my blood pressure hadn't gone down enough to trust sending me home.  They ordered another urine analysis and I'd be staying another night.  Shedrick and I talked, read, and watched TV to pass the time.  And we were lulled to sleep again by our baby's heartbeat.

Friday morning came, and my doctor was back again.  He said, things were looking better and they were going to move me to a regular room and probably let me go home that afternoon.  I told Shedrick that he could go home and shower (since he hadn't the day before), eat, and get things together for us to go home.  I also told my doctor that I still had pain in my back near my kidney and asked about the possibility of kidney stones as they run in my family.  He called in a urologist and they did an ultrasound of my kidney.  There were no stones.  They did however see that my kidney was surrounded by sacs of fluid.  The urologist said that due to pressure from the baby and him knocking into my kidney these sacs had developed.  They were painful but otherwise harmless and would go away after delivery.

Shedrick left and then I got moved to a new room.  The doctors were trying to figure out how to manage the pain I had in my kidney and I was given a pain pill.  After that didn't help I was given some medicine in my IV and I was left alone.  I tried to relax and allow the medicine to kick in, it didn't, and I could feel something wasn't right.  I looked for my phone to call Shedrick, but it was jumbled up with the rest of my things from moving rooms and I couldn't get to it.  I started to get a really bad headache.  I had been told that if I got a headache I was to call the nurse immediately, so I did.  She came in and said it could be that the medicine hadn't taken effect yet.  I told her no, that wasn't it, I had had the medicine for the past two days and it had never done that.  During all this, my urologist had come in to discuss things with me.  The nurse then tried to take my blood pressure.  I was in pain and scared and I began to tremor, my hands and legs were shaking. She told me I had to calm down and breath.  I was trying but I couldn't.  The cuff just kept squeezing my arm tighter and tighter.

Finally very scared and upset, I pulled the cuff off and said, "This is hurting me. Something is wrong. I can't calm down."

The nurse then left to get my doctor and that's the last thing I remember.  The rest of the story is based on what I have been told.

When they came back to my room I was having a seizure.  They rushed me to labor and delivery.  When they got me to the OR I had another seizure.  The nurses had to hold me down. I was given general anesthesia and our precious, baby boy was delivered within minutes.  While all this was happening they called my husband.  They didn't tell him what had happened, they just told him he needed to get back to the hospital immediately.  Shedrick said he was nervous and hurried back to the hospital.

He went up to the room I had been in and when I wasn't there he ran out and found a nurse and said, "I'm looking for my wife, Emma, where is she?"
The nurse replied, "They didn't tell you did they?"

Shedrick said at that point he was really scared.

 "Tell me what?"  He replied.

At that moment my doctor came out.  "Your wife seized and we had to deliver the baby."  He said.

Shedrick began to cry.
I was then wheeled passed him, out of the OR.
"Can I see her?"  He asked.
"She needs to get set up in her room.  Come with me." Said my doctor.

He then lead him to the room where Gray was.  Shedrick said he looked surprisingly good for how small he was and how he came into this world.

"Does he have a name?" The doctor asked.

"Yes." said Shedrick.
"Gray Maynard Bridgeforth."

Gray Maynard was born on Friday, March 9, 2012 at 6:09pm by emergency C-section.  He weighed in at 2 pounds, 8 ounces, and 15 inches long.

The doctor's then brought Shedrick and Gray to my room.  I was not awake from surgery yet and with our son in his incubator beside me Shedrick said he felt like he'd been hit by a truck.  He hadn't expected things to be great, but he did not expect the worst case scenario, especially since we were talking about going home earlier that day.  Then they woke me up, and this is the only thing I remember.

My doctor was standing next to me holding my hand and he said to me, "You had a seizure. And we had to take your baby.  Look over you right shoulder, he's right there.  He's OK, but he's too little to keep at this hospital.  Reach in and say good bye."

And with tears running down my cheeks, I reached in his incubator and touched his little feet.  He squirmed and made a little noise, and I told him I loved him and I'd see him soon and Shedrick did the same.  Then I heard the helicopter and people in blue flight suits came in my room and wheeled him away.

I don't remember anything else from that afternoon/evening or the next day either.  I know my bottom lip hurt because apparently I chomped down on it during my seizure.  And I know my knees hurt too because during one of the seizures a nurse had to lay across them to hold me down.  I know I wrote on Facebook, sent texts, and even talked to people, but I don't remember, I just saw it on my phone/computer days later.  My doctors, nurses, and husband had to fill in the blanks for me.  That's been difficult for me.

Here are a few things I do know:

1) My doctors and nurses saved my life and my son's life.  How do you thank somebody for that?  If they hadn't been so cautious with me and had just sent me home... well, I don't even wanna think about or say what could've ended up happening.

2) My husband was always there for me and will always be there for me. Our love is so different now that we have a son and having been through all this. Its a stronger, deeper love and it continues to grow.

3) I have the best family in the whole world. No matter where we are or what's happening they'll always be there for us. I love them.

4) We have amazing friends. We've met awesome friends here and our friends back home have sent so much love. We are so touched by all they have done for us.

5) The military community we live and work in has shown us so much love and support, it really is a special thing to be a part of.

Gray's birth didn't happen anything like I had hoped and planned for but I'm learning to accept and love the way it did.